Magnificent One Liners

1. The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. Robert Frost
2. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. Franklin P. Jones
3. We must believe in luck. How else can we explain the success of those we don’t like? Jean Cocturan
4. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day, somehow always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld
5. It matters not whether you win or lose … what matters is whether I win or lose. Darrin Weinberg
6. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
7. Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you … when he is in trouble again.
8. Complex problems have simple, easy to understand … wrong answers.
9. It is not exactly cheating … I prefer to consider it Creative Problem Solving.
10. Whoever said “money can’t buy happiness” obviously … didn’t know where to shop.
11. Most people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
12. Forgive your enemies … but remember their names.
13. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
14. Don’t worry that the world ends today … its already tomorrow in Australia.
15. Regular naps prevent old age … especially if you take them while driving.
16. Having one child, makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.
17. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right … and the other is the husband!
18. I believe we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried … but they wanted cash.
19. A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after … you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
20. Don’t feel bad … a lot of people have no talent.
21. Don’t marry the person you want to live with: marry the one you cannot live without … but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
22. You can’t buy love … but you sure pay heavily for it.
23. Forgiveness is … giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
24. Bad officials are elected by good citizens … who do not vote.
25. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting … before you get tired.
26. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong … and she agrees with me.
27. Those who can’t laugh at themselves simply leave the job to others.
28. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
29. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job … he still ends up with the same boss.
30. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions … between address books.
31. Saving is the best thing … especially when your parents have done it for you.
32. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
33. They call our language the mother tongue … because the father seldom gets to speak.
34. Smoking helps you lose weight … One lung at a time!
35. Sign in a bar: “Those … Drinking to forget … Please pay in advance.”
36. Behind every great man … there is a surprised woman.
37. A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
38. When I read about the evils of drinking … I gave up … reading.
39. My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn’t need glasses … he drinks straight out of the bottle.
40. Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Snore, and you sleep alone.
41. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is … the fact that it has never tried to contact us.

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